when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
