so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Randomize