end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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