I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sext me about skeletons
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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