Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize