Betty ford says i'm here all night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize