My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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