Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
