Nicole vs. Life
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
false alarm, still single
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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