The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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