She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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