I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
