i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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