I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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