I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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