Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
