If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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