when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I could make wine with my vomit
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
