Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
