Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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