thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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