Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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