Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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