I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
