Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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