dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
