Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
