i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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