Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
