foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize