Pregnant stripper...not hot.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize