i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize