so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
