WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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