Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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