i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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