Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize