i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
