Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
