Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
