So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
