Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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