saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
