she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
