Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
