I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
