She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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