You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
