My liver just broke up with me...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize