I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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