i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
