I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
