I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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