I must be too annoying 4 u.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize