she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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