Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
