just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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