Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
