Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
