I heard we made out
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
