Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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